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What is Mum-Guilt?
I'm sure I don't need to explain to
most readers what mum-guilt is. Even if you are not a parent yourself, it's
fairly self-explanatory.
I also feel I should be more
inclusive and name it parent-guilt, but without sparking controversy, I do
sense it’s something that mums experience more than dads...
Mum-guilt is that internal voice that criticises everything we do and don't do as a parent. It constantly goads our every move, comparing us to others or to our own idealistic self.
If it’s muted during the day whilst you are busy, you can be certain it’ll appear again at night to remind you of all your faults and imperfections.
Phrases such as these frequently
whizz around my head:
'You really shouldn't put the television on - it's
not good for him and it is selfish of you wanting him distracted whilst you
cook the dinner in peace.'
'You didn't make that pasta sauce from scratch for
dinner - you're pumping him full of additives and chemicals and he'll get used
to the taste and never want homemade again!'
'You're useless at messy play and arts and crafts.
You never do it because you worry about the mess. You're lazy. It's depriving
him of vital developmental experiences.'
Sound familiar? I could go on and on about feeling guilty for wanting some time to myself, for not making a meal from scratch, for taking the little man to the soft play centre (again) because I couldn't face being creative at home.
As alone as we can feel, especially
during difficult times, these worries are universal. The more we talk to other
parents, the more we realise how much we
all worry (even those
who may appear calm and collected).
And often, just talking about it can
help. Having an outside perspective can reassure us that actually, we
are doing
a good job.
Why We Have It?
So why do we experience guilt?
Because we
care. Nothing can prepare us for the love and
responsibility we feel when we have a baby; it is overwhelming!
We adore these little creatures more
than anything in the world and we want to provide the very best we can for them
emotionally, physically, and materialistically.
Yet the accompanying pressure is
immense, and although everyone is different, I am yet to meet a parent who doesn't
experience it to some extent.
I sometimes feel like I'm in a
high-intensity fitness class! I am striving to
do my best,
to
be the best, and it is exhausting, rewarding and sometimes
fun. Yet I never
am the best. The instructor presents the
model of fitness, the lady next to me can jump higher, the man behind can run
faster...but I keep trying. I might momentarily pause but I never give up...
It is because we care that our
expectations become unrealistic and we become susceptible to guilt. If we are
always focusing on the goal, we forget all that we
do achieve.
Furthermore, external pressures and
influences don't alleviate the problem. We see the 'super-mums' on social media
and hear those around us listing their accomplishments.
They might proudly announce that
their little one is fully potty trained at eighteen months whilst my two-year-old
will quite happily sit in a poopy nappy until someone notices! Or they will post
mouth-watering photos of their latest culinary delight. And we constantly read what
we should and shouldn't be doing with our child and so the guilt continues....
Focusing on the
Positives
We need to politely tell our inner
voice to hurry back to where it came from; to stamp out the negative dialogue
and give the boot to that guilt...
If we can say we fed, watered,
washed, clothed and attended to the emotional needs of our children, then we
are doing a great job!
I often feel guilty if I haven't made
dinner from scratch, but actually, there are half a dozen meals in the freezer
that I
have made myself, or berate myself for offering a
biscuit as a snack, when he had porridge, fruit and yoghurt for breakfast.
Other times I feel bad because he has
been watching CBeebies all morning as I get things done. Again, I should focus
on the fact that this isn't the norm and he played outside the other half of
the day. (Furthermore, television isn't negative per se. He enjoys it and even
seems to learn from it.)
It's a case of balance, balance,
balance, accepting our limits and acknowledging our achievements.
The sooner we start being kinder to
ourselves and praising our achievements rather than magnifying our
shortcomings, the sooner we can be free of guilt and enjoy being a parent.
After all, if we are happy, our
children are happy. Sometimes we just need to stop thinking altogether, to stop
evaluating and assessing, negative or positive, and just
be
(something I have written about extensively in my Mindful Mondays series).
Learning to live in the present and
focus on the
now is essential. We mustn't feel guilty for
feeling guilty. We are only human and relinquishing guilt really is rather refreshing.
Give the boot to guilt, evict the
judge, and ditch the jury. Instead, be kind to ourselves. This is, in turn, the
kindest thing we can do for our children.
Do you suffer from mum-guilt? Do you
have ways of dealing with it? Or perhaps you are a dad - what is your view on
it? We would love to hear from you.